I hate your face
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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