mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
