im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
