omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
