Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
