I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
