I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
