Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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