He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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