Cold hands, warm shart.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
