I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
