I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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