people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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