they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
