You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
