nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
