she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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