I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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