I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
