I'm eating all of the evidence.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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