I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
