My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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