Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
