There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
