How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
