i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
3 2 1 whiskey
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
