I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
