She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
