Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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