This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize