look no pants
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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