I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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