A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
