Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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