if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
