atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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