Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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