I think I died a long time ago.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
