There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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