I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You are the jesus of drinking
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
