Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
