My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
