Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize