4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Drake has all the answers
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
