If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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