Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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