also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
