I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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