i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
