if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
