It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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