My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
