roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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