So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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