I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My ass is underappreciated
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
