I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
