haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
