look no pants
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
how drunk are you?
Several
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
