You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
