It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
3 2 1 whiskey
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
