Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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