the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
