Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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