Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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