did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
false alarm, still single
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