i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Randomize
