Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
