how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize