I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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