I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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