In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
