It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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